i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
