My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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