watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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