i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
His nipple licking is glorious
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