So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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