don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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