it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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