Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
