Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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