we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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