I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
