I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
