It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
