Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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