Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
