We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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