was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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