You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
