So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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