So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
