Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
