he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
