you're like a bully in the Christmas story
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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