i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
