you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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