Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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