I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
