I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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