Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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