I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
