as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
