I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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