remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
