found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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