I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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