just come out here and I will go home with you...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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