When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
