So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Found the puke drawer
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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