Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
