i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
