So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
