Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
