i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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