If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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