I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
