It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
