im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
