I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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