And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
