her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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