i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
