Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
