My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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