my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
