Will you blow on my dice?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Pants are for mortals
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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