What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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