Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
