I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
