tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
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