I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
