i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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