Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
